Sunday, July 3
today started off quite badly. was woken at 830 in the bloody morning by an sms from my father telling me my mother was in hospital. i leapt out of bed. do not ever try this as a prank. it might lead to a heart attack. galloped down the stairs [ i swear i rarely move that fast, least of all
down stairs] and shoved the phone at my sister over the banister. called my father from the house phone only to learn that they were still waiting for the surgeon to arrive. i'm still not too sure exactly happened but they've decided to let it heal by itself instead of undergoing surgery, and she'll be home tomorrow. i was feeling kind of guilty cos i didn't suggest going to the doctor yesterday when she was feeling unwell. then again if she'd taken up my suggestion of going for foot reflexology [for someone who isn't very eloquent in her mother tongue, i have great faith in the abilities of chinese doctors / foot reflexology people] they'd probably have told her exactly what was wrong. ah well. my family is very unlucky. every now and then someone gets rushed to hospital or gets told she has some incurable condition. this is not the time to tell my parents that i'm out of painkillers again.
so i didn't get the chance to practice the song for today. the result is predictable. i wonder why the kids even put up with my bad playing. i played so many wrong notes!!! arghhhhh. was a bit unnerved to boot.
walked around westmall after church. it's become one of my habits to walk around heartland shopping centres on sunday afternoons by myself. it helps me think things over. sometimes i go to lot1 or causeway point. and sniff everything at the body shop, read all the labels and imagine that all that stuff actually works. and i don't know how it helps me think, but it does. it helps that if i want to go to town after church, i have to sit on the mrt for very long [almost an hour?] and either read or stare out of the window, occassionally catching a glimpse of my own reflection. and somehow, i like being alone for at least an hour after church. then i'll come home, have a nice relaxing shower and read the papers. shit i sound like some grandfather. but can you just imagine enduring week after week of endless buzz? even if i have homework or studying to do, i still make it a point to read the papers and relax until almost dinnertime. it's worth it. really. go try. =D sunday is also the only day of the week that i bother moisturising anymore. maybe that's why my legs are grossly dry. ah well i guess i should date on mondays in the future haha.
just read aman's blog. she's starting to like her class. that's nice. she mentioned something. everything is about perspective. that's true. i found myself wondering.. if i allow myself to get used to this hole, maybe i'll be happier. maybe if i stop comparing everything that used to be with what now is, maybe i'll stop turning back to yesteryear. but you see, for that to happen, i've got to forget the past. in order to accept the present, i've got to let go of my past happiness, that warmth, that sense of belonging and knowing what and who i am. and i'm just not sure i'm ready to give all that up. for what, one and a half years' of acceptance? i just, just can't bring myself to. how do i explain this.. it's not that people in better schools are smarter or more accomplished or more capable of caring. in fact, i'm starting to think the reverse is true. i think back to primary school days, when i was in one of the worst classes in a fairly good school, and how the top classes had nothing to do with us. and how wild we were. then i think about st. marg's. let's be honest, it's far from being a top school despite all the value added awards etc. but in terms of a nuturing environment and that whole sense of family spirit.. my sister never had that in rgs. i can't stand most of the nanyang girls i know, because most of them seem bent on destroying others in order to climb to the top. just ask girls from other jcs. so really 'brains' don't say much. they're probably closet muggers or something. i know God allowed me to stay in hc for a reason. every time something happens, i think, ah hah! this is the reason why. reasons like allowing me to pull strings to steal zinc plates for ae. being nearby enough to come back and help. and maybe.. learning that life is just gonna get harder and harder. maybe there's another reason i've yet to find. one thing is for sure. i'm going to keep searching for that reason until i find it or until it comes to me. because God couldn't have made a mistake. less than 1 1/2 years more.. i'm 1/4 way through.. soon i'll leave all this behind me forever. when i'm through with jc, i'm going to forget completely what it was like. my last memory will be of secondary school. i mean to wipe two years from my brain.
it must've been love.
2:44 pm
xoxo
